Another ‘No”

I had my drink ready, hard apple cider that tastes like wine. I put it next to the test because I just knew. Now obviously I’m not trying to put negative thoughts out there, I have been wanting to have a baby for a very long time but every month it’s the same thing. That ‘yes’ that we got last year went away and everyone forgot about it but me and my husband. Ever since then I have been waiting for the ‘yes’ or the + or the double lines and it is always ’no’, negative, one line. I did wait a few days, been taking tests all week but this ‘no’ from today was it for me.

How do people have multiple miscarriages and I can barely recognize myself after having one? How do people try IVF for years and years or try every fertility drug and I am exhausted mentally and physically after only a year of this? We haven’t even gotten to IVF and the reality is we may never get there. Every time I go to the fertility office they think about my age and about how long I’ve been trying and say you know IVF is really the best route. And all I want to say is really because do you have the $30k that I would need to pay for me to have this done? Oh, you expect me to have the money in my back pocket along with my MetroCard is that it?

When you’re young and you are the type of person that knows you want to have a family you spend years dreaming of your children and your grandchildren and the house you’re going to buy and…